so you stare at the sky
say you're jealous of the moon
you wish you could fly
but you'll never leave the ground
if you're too scared to try


this world will leave you behind
if you fall back to far
try and leave that nest in your mind
and take a ride through the stars.




love.

I spend my nights dead face down on my floor,
but the drugs aren't really working anymore.
The nights are mostly just despressed
from staring at my open chest.
I'm bleeding and I'm heartless but I'm yours.
And i'm scratching down every blurry scene
on the mattress where you used to sleep and dream.
I'd rather chew on broken glass
then keep on living in the past
and wasting time on words I know you didn't mean.
Dear everybody, or whoevers listening.
I think I'm going to do me in this time
This is all overrated, waiting on my roof again
This is the end of my so called life
I haven't seen the sun in about a week
and I'm keeping all sharp objects out of reach.
I finally know the taste of love
it's a cross between cheap beer and blood
with an aftertaste of dry sarcastic speech.
And so I guess it's safe to say
that we both knew that I'd end up this way
With a brain that's clueless and unsure
Eyes that hardly ever work
But I guess that's fine I rarely use them anyway
I live in notes and photographs
and everything I'm holding back
but you're the words that weren't enough
you remind me of a song I used to love
I couldn't call you if I wanted
my fingers couldn't work if they tried
they're so sore from keeping crossed
and tracing over cuts on my worthless arms
if I said "I hated the feeling" it would be a lie


Just be in love and I’ll kiss you like you’ve always wanted
Just close your eyes, I’ll still live as if I’m dying
If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don’t make you feel anything than it’s me


imissyou.
(yes, you)

Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty; The body is no more than a costume, and can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might finally, be alright.

This constant lack of sleep encourages random writing that should be done more often at more appropriate times. i really dont have creative juices that lead to deep thoughts potetically written on notebook paper; but i do have feelings bottled up in my hands waiting for my fingers to do the talking.

i fianlly got my camera back and i find myself taking it everywhere i go to capture every memory that the faulty camera in my mind loses. people, the sky, trees, buildings, animals...everything. it all get's it's on cover on an issue of my life's magazine.

in many issues of this continuous magazine, you'll read articles on drug abuse, addictions, dependancies, and self-harm...it soon becomes one of those things that gets to graphic to even finish.
so you'll pick up another magazine and read about the celebrity of your choice. the one people stalk down, criticize, and talk about until all the life is sucked out of them and then you move on to your next victim. you'll make them starve themselves, and change who they are until you realize nothing they do will be good enough, and you're bored of them.

that's your problem...you get bored too easily.

so take the time to change your costume, and decide, which character will you be today?

It’s my first memory of my mom with a man after my dad died. My sister and I were sitting in his living room while my mom and he were in his bedroom. It had been a bad afternoon, but I was too young to understand what was going on. We heard a big loud thump, and the next thing I knew, my mom was walking out with a bloody nose, crying… I hated him, and every man that ever reminded me of him.

I was 4 years old. I met the man I grew to know as my dad for the next 9 years. Him and my mom were so happy. He didn’t hit her, and I loved that. My sister didn’t like him, and I couldn’t understand why. And then I grew up and realized, he was a manipulative liar, and a cheater. I hated him, just like every other man my mom had ever made me like.

It was the beginning of my 8th grade year, and I was off to a rocky start.. I was pretty sure everything was my fault, so I picked up some bad habits that would later become addictions. They put me on medication and told me everything would be better. It didn’t get better so my addictions got worse, and I picked up more and more of them. The middle of my 8th grade year, and mom decided it was best that we move all the way across town. So I left my friends and my life behind, and started over. But nothing changed. Mom still brought men home that I didn’t like, and I still had those habits that left scars I’ll never be able to get rid of. And that was the year my whole life changed right in front of the world’s eyes.

So cut my wrist. Black my eyes. Give me chemicals. And watch me die.

I found my best friend. I found chemicals I could be dependant on, that would make me smile when I felt like I didn’t have it in me. I found objects that would leave scars that didn’t matter when they were being made. I found people I could talk to, laugh with, cry on… and even people that would love me. I had everything at my fingertips, and was taking advantage of that.

So it’s my sixteenth birthday. I have my learners, and I get my license soon. I’m actually driving a real car, instead of just pretending with those video games at the mall. I go to parties like my sister did when she was my age. I’ve had boyfriends, and I’m in school. I’ve lived a life that I wouldn’t wish on anyone else. It’s had its ups and its downs and sometimes left me in tears. I’ve been in love with someone who will never love me back. I’ve been stronger than I ever thought I could be and it’s because of the people around me. They deserve all the credit.
I’m still alive, and surprisingly, I’m ok with that.

This world is beautiful. The clouds, stars, the sky, rain, storms, beaches, people, music, art, nature…everything about it is so complex and amazing, and why not wanna live?

I'm switching lanes on a one way street, trying to figure out which road is right to take. The CD i have in, is up so loud; the lyrics make me think about you. I have to take my eyes of the road to find something to wipe them dry. You made them tear up again. I'm sure you've heard that for every action there's a reaction... so now there's a brick wall in my lap. My car is in pieces beneath me and i can't help but to hear the CD in my stereo, skipping, still screaming those words that remind me i'll never forget you.